Twitter Suspends Hanako-san, Incurs 444-Year-Long Curse

/ DAEMON

Twitter has unwisely solicited the wrath of 14th Generation Toilet Hanako-San.  This weekend, after having solved all other pressing matters plaguing the platform, Twitter suspended Hanako-san’s accounts. They now have only themselves to blame if employees suddenly go missing during visits to the fourth floor restroom at Twitter headquarters.

For a 444-year-old youkai like Hanako-san, saying, “I’m going to bathe in a sea of your blood” is simply her way of saying, “Hello.” Yet Twitter has apparently frozen her accounts for expressing her innocuous intent to kill us all.

She has since opened a new account, so please subscribe to @14Hanako_san.

One can’t help but see parallels with the plight of Chiitan, the lovable yet unsanctioned yura-chan whose extremely popular accounts were banned after posting that she would “visit your house” with a concealed baseball bat (and pissing off humourless parents and the city of Sasaki).  That was back in May and, despite a change.org petition and inquiries by the New York Times, Chiitan’s Twitter accounts remain frozen for unspecified reasons. This makes the chances of Hanako-san getting her accounts restored look rather bleak.

For an indie artist like Hanako-san who has been building her base of followers around these accounts for several years, a Twitter suspension can hit pretty hard. Please help by spreading the word for fans to follow her new Twitter account and perhaps picking up a CD or merch at her new storefront on Idol Underworld.  

And now that Twitter has stymied the supernatural threat of Hanako-san, they can get around to addressing other persistent issues, like Metallica’s ongoing call to violence: