You like idols, right?  That’s why you’re here!  But not all of us are lucky enough to have seen these magical singing pixies performing at a real and proper idol concert.  However, prospects are good if you still haven’t managed to get to one: increasingly idols are briefly leaving their futuristic land to dazzle us with their dancy ditties in Europe, America and even Canadia.  If you are heading for your first idol concert soon, I have prepared you a good and useful guide to the happenings therein.

So whether to the West or Japan you go, heres…
What We Know of The Idol Show.

• Preparation is important.  You may end up quite close to the idols so if you haven’t showered in the last week, it is best to disguise this with deodorant since idols are famous for owning noses.  Also remember it is customary to wear clothes to an idol performance.  Don’t forget to bring a torch – I’ll tell you why later!

• Think about whether you want to bring along a gift for your favourite idol but make sure it is suitable!  Good presents could include broccoli, non-GPS enabled plushies and tiny hats.  Bad presents include wheelbarrow inner tubes, last year’s Argos catalogue or your baby teeth.

• Consider how you will get to the venue.  A taxi may be suitable if you are in the same town as the concert but not if you are starting from a different continent.  Avoid arriving on horseback as few venues have stables and some idols are allergic to horses.

• On entry to the venue, you may have to buy a drink, whether or not you are thirsty!  Some drinks are wine, Irn Bru, Pepsi Max, eggnog and my favourite cocktail, Lady Consequence (3 parts Um Bongo, 1 part rum, 1 part Castrol GTX, teaspoon of clown tears).  However, some or all of these drinks may not be available at your particular venue on that particular night.

• The musicians in idol groups are usually shy and prefer to play offstage so you will probably only see the group’s singers and dancers.  The performer on stage that you think is the cutest (or least terrible at singing or dancing) is called your yoshi, named after Super Mario’s cute pet frog.  When your yoshi is singing you should wave your torch and then shine it in her eyes so that she is symbolically, and sometimes literally, blinded by your love.

• From the merchandise stall you can buy t-shirts, odd shaped towels or little pictures of ladies called cheekys, which are normally not saucy despite their name. If you like, you can even be in a cheeky with a lady and the lady will draw on it for you and spell your name wrong.  Fans queue up for these pictures and the person who is last in the queue has to hold up a sign saying they were the slowest at getting in line so that everyone can laugh at them.

• It can be difficult talking with idols if you don’t speak Japanese, so a clever tip is to take along a sheet of paper with Japanese writing on it for them to read.  I like to copy down the Japanese words from the takeaway menu for the Ichiban restaurant in Cardiff but you could use your own local Japanese eatery.  If there isn’t one, you can often find Japanese words on manuals for household electrical appliances.

• You must not touch the idols, for they are made of spider webs and will easily break which will make the spiders angry.  During the show, fans will try to appease the spiders by shouting out as many words as they can think of that sound a little bit like “Spider”.  When you can’t think of any more, you should say “Jar Jar” as that is the spiders’ favourite Star Trek character.

• Sometimes though, you are allowed to share a handshake with the idols.  This is possible because their claws are covered with special prosthetic hands fashioned from rubber and veal (the cutest of all meats).  You may fist-bump or high five if you’d rather but declaring a thumb war will lead to your swift removal from the venue.

• Finally, after the concert is over, it is the custom to buy Japanese food and put your lady photo from earlier next to it. You then pray for the woman in the image to eat the yucky food instead of you, though this rarely works.

We hope this guide gives you the confidence to enjoy idolatry outside your home. As the idols say in their squiggly language, がんはれ!