Let church bells ring, let children sing, let wota shout “hooray!” Such revelry because Pour Lui is thirty years today!

Yes, today marks three decades since the birth of idol legend Pour Lui, a woman who, arguably, would herself give birth to the entire Alt-Idol™ genre, only out of her mouth instead of her, er, tummy.  How shall you rejoice?  Don’t worry chums, your wise and friendly Homicidols.com has 30 suggestions to relate of ways to feast and jubilate.  And here they are.

1

Print out a picture of Pour Lui’s face and wear it as a mask, like I have done in this picture.  Go into the street and run around shouting “I’M POUR LUI I’M THIRTY TODAY!”  If anyone hands you a birthday present, please forward them to the real Pour Lui otherwise such dishonest gains may make Jesus/Santa/Your-Chosen-Deity write a frowny face next to your name but if it’s something that would perish in transit like a fresh killed squirrel or an ice sculpture of a fresh killed squirrel you may keep them as perks.

2

Try our Homicidols Pour Lui Crossword.

3

Play “Minna no Pour Lui II” backwards.  It sounds exactly like Yufu Terashima’s “Watashi ni Naru”!

4

Why not get some of those long balloons and twist them about in attempt to make a balloon Pour Lui?  Because you’d be wasting your time, that’s why not!  Scientists at the University of Tokyo already proved way back in 2013 that it is topologically impossible to construct a balloon Pour Lui.  Or is it?  If instead you make a whole load of generic balloon dogs and glue them together carefully, it is possible with skill to create a sort of balloon-and-glue Pour Lui, or even a Hirano Nozomi, but it’s not her birthday is it?

5

Collect together all of your underpants and spell out the birthday girl’s name with them, like I have done in this picture.  If you have a lot of underpants, you could even write “HAPPY BIRTHDAY POUR LUI” and add a couple of kisses.

10

Yes, when I said I had 30 ways to celebrate, I meant in base six, so that’s eighteen, which is the number of decades Pour Lui has been alive multiplied by the number of BiS albums she was on, if you include “Urya-Oi!!”.  And if that flimsy excuse doesn’t satisfy you, apply to Mr. H Maniac for a 40% refund.

Oh, er, number 10: put up some bunting or something.

11

Change the lyrics of popular songs so as to make them about Pour Lui.  For example, I have reworked Blondie’s 1978 hit “Denis” thus:

Pour Lui Pour Lui, oh with your eyes so blue brown
Pour lui Pour lui, I’ve got a crush on you
Pour Lui Pour Lui, I’m so in love with you oh oh

12

Oh, Wikipedia says “Denis” was a cover? I’ve never heard the original, I guess it was only a hit in the US.

13

Try opening your front door and shouting “HAPPY BIRTHDAY POUR LUI!” According to the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, it is certain that a universe exists in which the Ayatollah of Idol herself will walk into your home at that moment and partake of some birthday cake and trifle, before looking at her watch and mumbling about her flight home.  Perhaps you are lucky enough to live in such a universe! Unfortunately, there is also a universe in which a serial killer will walk in instead and knifecrime you in the face, but hey, swings and roundabouts.

14

Have a game of “Who can remember the tunes to any Lui Frontic Etc. songs?”

15

Say “Pour Lui Piles Poo Pills Poorly” thirty times.  For extra Puu points, perform the Nerve dance simultaneously.

20

Perhaps you only like Pour Lui a little bit and don’t think it’s worth spending an entire celebration on her.  Why not instead have a joint celebration including someone else you admire who shares her August 20th birth date?  Some suggestions are: Shiraishi Mai from idol group Nogizaka46, Sylvester McCoy – who played the 7th Doctor Who, and Jerome of Antioch, the patron saint of Swingball.

21

As a special birthday gift to Pour Lui, why don’t you try sending her a suggestion of a better backronym for her newest group than the verbal aneurysm she came up with?

22

Try our Homicidols Pour Lui Cryptic Crossword.

23

It’s a little known fact that Pour Lui is deathly afraid of bees so it would not be appropriate for any of the stripy honey-pukers to “bee” in attendance at your celebration.  Interestingly, despite her phobia, she owns no less than three empty beehives.  “I just think they look neat,” she told Idol and Apiculture magazine in 2019.  “I also have one of them white bee-shepherd suits with the big hat and all netting round the face.  I wanted us all to wear them in BILLIE IDLE but Uika said no.”

24

Other famous people afflicted with apiphobia, the fear of bees, include Moa-Metal, Eddie out of 90’s truth-tellers Charles & Eddie, that kid from the Frosties “It’s Gonna Taste Great! adverts and our own Cal from Team Homicidols.

25

Play “Minna no Pour Lui” (the first one) backwards.  It sounds exactly like that dream you had when you had to sleep over at Uncle Ray’s house after he gave you that “special lemonade”.  And you woke up afterwards with no eyebrows and all egg in your hair.  Oh God, you remember it all now don’t you?  DAMN YOU POUR LUI!

30

If local conditions allow you to host a Pour Lui party, you’re going to need party music, and playing albums backwards isn’t really going to cut it.  There is a large selection of music featuring Pour Lui that you could play forwards but we all obviously spend our days listening to those already.  On this special day, why not try some of the music that was popular on the very day that the birthday girl fell out of her mother?

What was number one in the U.S. for example?

Hmm.  Not exactly a party anthem is it?  Let’s try the UK.

Oh, that’s much more like it!  But what about Puu-chan’s homeland?

Nailed it.  Happy Birthday Pour Lui!