This Is How You Celebrate Your National Team

Who all else is watching the World Cup? This is the one guaranteed time (every four years!) when I really sit down and watch soccer. My country isn’t in this time around on account of being terrible, so I’m mostly looking for somebody to root for. For those of you whose countries aren’t international athletic embarrassments, in addition to your home country / place of familial national origin, are you cheering for Japan? They’re doing pretty okay! Yes, they can technically still be eliminated, but they’re in a good place, as their only match left in group play is against Poland, who have been bad.

The point is, Japan’s team* has both been a success, and likely will remain so with enough encouragement! And who better to deliver that encouragement than idols? And who better than just any ol’ ganbare-fist-posing tradol than some loud-ass chika idols who can celebrate your successes and motivate you to new heights? For instance, KING RAGE:

Imagine, you’re about to take on one of the most important physical performances of your life, representing your country on the international stage, the peak of years of hard work and sacrifice. The pressure must be immense! So why not have a girl, who has donned your jersey in support, bellow into your face and then perform a heavy EDM dance number? I’d be down! It certainly beats the frog mascot that they’re currently employing.

Coaches of national athletic teams locked in tense struggles for dominance and pride, call me. I am full of great ideas.

*We usually try to highlight that we’re talking about the men’s or women’s national teams in soccer — USMNT and USWNT, for instance — but I don’t know if other countries do, nor do I know if people appreciate how good Japan’s women’s team is internationally, so let’s call that statement “contemporaneously neutral”