You’re one of the most legendary idol performers to grace the stage and everything is going perfectly and then your group disbands. So next, you’re one of the most legendary idol performers to grace the stage and everything is going perfectly and then your band disbands. So after that, you’re one of the most legendary idol performers to grace the stage and everything is going perfectly then you lose a diet challenge and leave your group. AND THEN you’re one of the most legendary idol performers to grace the stage and everything is going perfectly but then your group disbands. So finally, you say fuck it and decided to make your own damn group.
You know, the For Most People Christmas is now a couple of days in the rearview mirror, but there are lots of people who are still doing the season anyway, which is to saying nothing at all about the millions of folks who follow the orthodox tradition and still have another week-plus before the real fun begins, so I think it’s perfectly acceptable to do one final Christmas post, and what better way to wrap up this year’s festivities than by featuring none other than Pour Lui and a friend:
The things you didn’t know that you needed in life … Take a few minutes to enjoy the GOAT and her partner, Nakamae Rion, who I hadn’t heard of before but am now following and you should too, and their new holiday classic, “Christmas Song”, which is apparently a cover that I’m guessing people in Japan and people who are extremely well-versed in Japanese music could tell you all about. It’s a nice song, and a nice way to wrap things up!
Previously on PuuTube Things only get more and more sexually-charged with panties and other idol YouTubers. Nozomi is trapped in an eternal Groundhog Day loop. Also, she farts a lot. Concerned about her taste in “younger women,” the other dungeon captives stage an intervention for Saki, only for her to lose her cool and attack Megumi!
Episode 47: Puu-blic Service Announcement
“This is an important announcement from the Pouverlord. We have filed a warrant for Kamiya Saki’s arrest for cradle-robbing, gang activity, assaulting other captives, and mullet crimes. We could just lock her in the YouTube Dungeon permanently; however, we have been receiving threatening letters from Watanabe Junnosuke regarding something about “contractual obligations” and “If you keep bothering me, I’ll send your fat ass back to RIZAP!” so we have had to progress with our last resort. If you see this woman, please call the idol police immediately. Also, please like, comment and subscribe.”
Episode 48: Jail House Puus
“Did you not hear my announcement!? I said arrest Saki, not all of us!”
“Thanks a lot, Pour Lui!” fumed Nozomi. “Thanks to your campaign the police found out about all of our previous crimes! I knew you should have just gone back to the gym!”
“I’m going to make my mullet even uglier, that’ll teach you!” Saki used her one permitted phone call to contact her hairstylist.
“Previous crimes? I got arrested because I was holding all of you in my dungeon for two months! The hell did you do while my back was turned?” Pour Lui inquired.
“One of the people from the panty survey reported me for sexual harassment,” said Uika.
“Jesus Christ” Pour Lui whispered under her breath.
Episode 49: Plastic 6 mercy
While brainstorming ways on how to break out of their prison cell, Megumi comes up with the genius idea of testing each member’s head against a wall of Saran Wrap. Whoever can break through this tough barrier clearly has the strongest head and shall be used as a battering ram to break down the doors of their confined space! Judging by Kosho’s hysterical laughter, though, this is all just one big troll. “I can’t believe these idiots are actually falling for this!” Megumi thinks to herself as she slams against the wall to make her “plan” seem more authentic.
Episode 50: Lost Episode
“Hi, this is Pour Lui, with my inmates-slash-BILLIE IDLE co-stars Uipon and Non-chan. As you can see, we’re still in jail. Turns out Kamiya Saki does not make for an effective battering ram. Neither does Koshouji Megumi. Nope, nope, her hilarious little tricks aren’t so funny when she’s on the giving end of an attempted wall breach, is it, Megumi?”
“Megumi can’t talk right now, she’s a little busy with her concussion”
“Tenko, just shut up and hold the camera! Anyway, the footage we recorded for this episode was deemed too graphic for YouTube so instead, we’ll just explain the full story. Maybe we’ll put the video on Liveleak later, I dunno. To the family and fans of Kamiya Saki, we are sorry for your loss. Her sacrifice was most definitely in vain”
Idol Jail outdoor free time; Kamiya Saki chose not to go outside in favour of “sleeping off” her injuries following he previous night’s breakout attempt. The BILLIE IDLE girls are lifting weights. Tentenko is knitting socks to sell on her online store. Koshouji Megumi excitedly rushes over:
“Waaiit a second! We’ve just ran around in a circle and back to our jail cell!” Megumi realised.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. I own idol jail.” Pour Lui added.
“How the hell do you own a jail and forgot about it?” Asked Tentenko
“Well,” said Pour Lui “I bought it when BiS reformed so we could do some IDOL Is DEAD nostalgia stuff but then Watanabe took over, wouldn’t let me use it how I wanted, and now that’s just where he keeps all the WAggs and audition rejects.”
“So that’s why that Mimiland kid tried to shank me for a cigarette earlier!” said Nozomi. “Anyway, let’s go”
“No can do,” Uika called from the back as she struggled to open the door. “Watanabitch locked us in here real good!”
“Now what?” Megumi slumped in her chair.
“We’re just going to have to give in to his sadist tendencies and maybe he’ll let us go” Pour Lui sighed. “Do we have any kind of medieval torture device?”
“Oh! I have something that might work!” Tentenko turned out her pockets.
Did their plan to win over Watanabe work? What happened to Saki? Will someone please give Megumi a hug?
Find out next time on IDOL is DEAD 3: JAiL HOUSE ROCK
PuuTube Rival Of The Week
Desu.Rabbits eat ramen. Idol budgets aren’t very high, okay?
Pour Lui joins BILLIE IDLE … or did BILLIE IDLE join Pour Lui?
Episode 34: Makeover Montage
A new era of BILLIE IDLE is upon us, and that means new costumes! But, being separated from WACK (while still having to put up with them) means that BILLIE IDLE has roughly the budget of a preteen garage band owned by Dingo Pictures. BILLIE IDLE have been stuck in green screen/cheap animation hell for three years! But thanks to the Japanese equivalent of B&M Bargains (probably), and the token “aesthetic” captives of the dungeon, Tenten and Kosho, maybe they can create something dynamic and beautiful for a new era. The Momose sisters will love their new costumes!
Episode 35: House Of Cards
The Momose sisters didn’t love their new costumes. Not even seconds after their reveal, Momo and Akira gagged, swore, set the costumes on fire and locked everyone but Megumi (Momo had already agreed to dye her hair) in the dungeon until it was time for dance practice! “Puu, for fuck’s sake, why did you give them a spare key?” Tentenko growled through the palm that was planted against her face. “Well, now that we’re all united as one group, I thought it would only be fair that I gave everyone else in BILLIE IDLE a spare key to my dungeon as a symbol of trust and unity,” Pour Lui explained. “Then where the hell is my key!?” Non piped up. “I didn’t get one either!” Uika fumed.
“Um… um… card games!” Pour Lui stuttered, as she shifted through the card pile.
Episode 36: Battle Idol Society
Nozomi checked her watch. “Still three hours until dance practice” she sighed.
“All the more time to play another card game!” the Pourverlord chucked.
“Puu, please, I’m sick to death of these bloody card games! We’ve been playing nothing but card games for seven hours!” Uika groaned, exasperated.
“Oh!” Tenko jumped, scrambling to pick up the leftovers from the ill-fated costume design foray. “I know! I know! Who’s up for some arts and crafts?”
“Yaaay” the others unenthusiastically droned in unison.
Then Netflix saw this and decided to revive Robot Wars for another season.
Episode 37: Makeover Montage Part 2
Oh, finally, a makeup tutorial, I was wondering how long until PuuTube jumped into that genre.
Episode 38: Makeover Montage Part 3
Did you know Saki likes to cosplay? You do now.
Episode 39: Makeover Montage Part 4: The Paddening
Previously On Pour Lui’s YouTube Dungeon With the help of her mum, Pour Lui successfully re-kidnaps her former prisoners, tries to poison Megumi, and the shocking revelation that she is actually a witch!
In this heartwarming Mother’s Day special, Pour Lui buys Mama Lui a vibrator, makes her brother watch and is consequently grounded until June 6.
Episode 25: Filler Episode
With Megumi having fled to the UK and Saki now on the rebound with Haruna Bacchiin, Pour Lui gathers the remaining prisoners to reminisce about that time she made a supervillain costume and fans meme’d her.
Episode 26: Happy Nonday
Pour Lui did not give Nozomi a massager for her birthday, despite what that unsubtle crotch shot at the beginning might have led you to believe. At least Puu doesn’t just have a box full of sex toys lying around in case she needs to give someone a present. At least there’s that.
Episode 27: Drone Warfare
What’s that noise?
Could it be? The demons have finally come to take the Pouverlord away!!!
Or it could just be a drone, but I like my idea better.
Will Pour Lui ever learn how to use a drone correctly? Or will she be dragged into hell first?
Will Michel receive a vibrator from Lui as a wedding gift?
To be continued? Yes!
Puu’s Youtube Rival Of The Week
Since a lot of idols are setting up their own YouTube dungeons, I thought I’d have a little feature highlighting what YouTube idols have been uploading recently. And in celebration of Pour Lui’s addition to Billie Idle, this week we’ve got former Billie Idle sweetheart Yasui Yuuhi (Now going by the identity Mahiruno Yuzuko) showing us how she does her makeup. Subscribe to her, she deserves it!
Previously On Pour Lui’s YouTube Dungeon Everyone spent the entire week trapped in the Ototoy Dungeon until Tentenko finally let them go. With Momoland out of the picture, Kamiya Saki has finally joined the chaos.
Episode 18: Mama Mia! Here We Go Again
The morning after the previous episode, Pour Lui wakes up, alone in her bedroom. Well, not completely alone.
“Get up you lazybones, it’s almost midday!”
“But muuuuum,” whines Pour Lui, rubbing her eyes. Did she just dream the entire Ototoy Dungeon arc? Where is everyone?
Mama Lui explains to her daughter that, while arguing with Megumi over the upcoming UK trip, everyone else just up and left, including Koshouji herself, leaving Pour Lui arguing with the wall until she eventually just passed out from ranting.
“Megumi told me where you were, so I signed her Dungeon Leave permission forms on your behalf. She’s a nice girl, that Megumi. Why don’t you join her idol group instead of sitting at home making these silly YouTube videos?”
Pour Lui was fuming. Everyone was gone! Who can she bully for YouTube views now? “Mum!” she demanded. “To the dungeon! I have a plan to get everyone back! But first, we need to make a supervillain costume!”
Previously on Pour Lui’s Youtube Dungeon: While trying to kidnap Jake Paul, Pour Lui and co. are lured into Tentenko’s Ototoy dungeon! Including Tentenko herself! Will they ever escape? I sure hope so, because Megumi is supposed to be going to the UK soon.
Episode 14: Cards Against Puumanity
It’s been three days since Pour Lui, Tentenko and Megumi got trapped in the Ototoy dungeon. All of a sudden, the door burst open! It’s Nozomi!
“I forgot my coat”
“Non, it’s been three days since you locked us in here, and only now are you coming back for your coat?”
Another familiar face storms through the door; First Summer Uika.
“Yo Puu, Non-tan said you’d be here. Listen, do you have any of that orange-flavoured arsenic left, or did those two loser men drink it all?”
“HAHAHA, GOODBYE SUCKERS!”
Tentenko leaps up, and punches Nozomi right in the nose! The shock prompts Nozomi to drop the only key, which Tenko swiftly grabs and runs away, locking the other four inside! Again!
After a brief stunned silence, Nozomi eventually chimes, “So, question. Does anybody even bother, you know, just trying to escape? Or are you all seriously so lazy that you’d rather just sit here and slowly starve to death than actually try to make the effort of running when this shit happens?”
Pour Lui ponders Nozomi’s question for a moment, eyes glazed over in deep thought. After a few seconds of quiet, she calmly states “let’s play a card game”. The other three groan in exasperation.
Previously on Pour Lui’s YouTube Dungeon: BYS totally isn’t an April Fools joke. First Summer Uika forms a bitch alliance with her former captor and Michibayashi Rio to seduce their rivals. Where’s Kamiya Saki? Hell if I know. Nobody can escape the YouTube Dungeon, especially not Koshouji Megumi.
Or at least, that’s my interpretation. If you hadn’t guessed from the previous trainwreck, this whole column is just me watching the BYS vlogs with my very limited Japanese and trying to form some kind of coherent story behind them. And failing. But hey, you don’t have to read this! On with the continuation of this gripping tale:
Episode 9: A Very Special Blossom
In a rare bout of kindness, Pour Lui takes her captives Megumi and Tentenko out to see the cherry blossoms. Oh wait, looks like she was just using them as her hapless servants to leech food from the unsuspecting public! Screw grocery shopping, am I right? Continue reading →