Homicidol Maniac rides down the ramp, surrounded by 75,000 screaming wota and very confused wrestling fans, in a tricked-out version of the Popemobile. He steps through the ropes and takes the mic to resounding boos.

Welcome all to Queen of the Scene! For the next five days, the biggest and baddest idols in the loud and especially creative game will square off in a series of dumb contests designed to determine once and for all, or at least until the next time we hold a championship event, who really rules over them all.

How we got here! Babymetal won the Corenament final over Guso Drop, but BiSH — and especially Aina the End — had a little something to say about that. But rather than just have two big-voiced titans go head-to-head, I relied on my infallible logic to remove as much bias as possible from the equation, and to give some other heavies a chance to win the crown. Hence, Queen of the Scene.

Let’s have a look at our contestants:

• Of course, Su-metal!
• From BiSH, Aina the End and Ayuni D!
• From the depths of a toilet, Hanako-san!
• From BiS, the grand dame of the alt scene, Pour Lui, and her protege, Pan Luna Leafy!
• From PassCode, Imada Yuna!
• Trippy-ass solo idol KOTO!
• Even trippier-ass ex-idol Ten Tenko!
• Hypercreative idol+ Rinahamu!
• The twin masters of literal disaster, Sari and Risaki from NECRONOMIDOL!
• From You’ll Melt More!, the half-alien hybrid girl Ano!
• From Avandoned, the impossibly charismatic Beni!
• From the just-jilted Guso Drop, Yurapiko and Wakapiku!
• And last but certainly not least, the final entrant, Momose Momo from BILLIE IDLE!

Queen of the Scene isn’t the Cornament, folks. While there will be plenty of head-to-head matchups, the goal of the whole thing is to score points in various ways and finish up on top of the heap. Will it be stupid? You bet. And will it be fair? Absolutely not! Think of it like the WACK auditions, except that I haven’t yet decided who’s going to pass and am just putting people through hell because I’m a jerk. I will, however, eliminate anybody from the competition if they fail to, you know, actually be competitive.

Let’s get things started for today!

Su-metal is so far unblooded, having gotten this far simply by winning the Corenament. Our first matchup for today will be what I call The Gauntlet! Su-metal, you will face in succession Yuna, Beni, KOTO and Momo. Win a match? Get a match! Lose a match? Get another match! To keep things from getting out of hand, each match has a 15-vote time limit. If you win all four, Su-metal, you get to keep all of the points you accrue over the day; every time you lose, you lose double the difference from your total. The rest of you: If you win your match, you get 10 points plus Su-metal’s (unless she’s negative, that wouldn’t be fair), and you’re safe from elimination today and tomorrow just for taking part.

Gauntlet match #1: Su-metal defeats Imada Yuna by pinfall!

Beni scores the upset in Gauntlet match #2! Beni with 20 points and Su-metal down to -10!

And Su-metal outlasts KOTO! Better luck next time, awesome-dancing electroidol. Su’s back to an even 0!

And Su-metal gets taken down by the RKO out of nowhere! That’s a nice 10 points for Momo and back to -10 for Su-metal.

Results

• Beni: 20 pts
• Momose Momo: 10 pts
• Imada Yuna: 0 pts
• Su-metal: -10 pts

Today’s next contest is scheduled for just one fall, but it’ll be a marathon. Let’s see just how well idol’s biggest oddballs do when put stuck together — Hanako-san, Ano, Rinahamu and Tenten, I’m putting you into a battle petit, a four-way over-the-top-rope challenge! Every time the vote leader hits 10, the lowest vote-getter gets eliminated! First over the ropes is gone from Queen of the Scene; staying in for each elimination is worth 10 points.

Rinahamu is the first over the ropes!

And we’re done! Ano pulled off the double-elimination by pulling the ol’ let-em-fight-on-the-ropes-then-tip-em-both-out trick. Well done, Ano!

Result:

• Ano: 30 pts
• Hanako-san: 10 pts
• Ten Tenko: 10 pts
• Rinahamu: ELIMINATED

Finally, our main event for today — isn’t it interesting how four different groups all wound up with two members in Queen of the Scene? Let’s have them thin the herd a little bit. BiS, BiSH, Guso Drop and NECRONOMIDOL members, you’re facing off in a fatal four-way tag-team match! Each fall is a race to 10, with the first team eliminated being completely tossed from the competition; otherwise, every round you’re in after the first is worth a 10-spot. I look forward to your complaining!

Major upset! After a quick game of jan-ken-pon, BiS was ganged-up on and beaten to a pulp, with Ayuni D finishing the insult to injury with the pin to Pour Lui!

And we’re done! NECRONOMIDOL grew tired of squabbling with mortals and summoned AZAZEL, who frightened both BiSH and Guso Drop from the ring, resulting in a double count-out.

• Kakizaki Risaki and Sari: 30 pts EACH
• Wakapiku and Yurapiko: 10 pts EACH
• Aina the End and Ayuni D: 10 pts EACH
• Pour Lui and Pan Luna Leafy: ELIMINATED