Guys, I’m a dum-dum. Now, if you’ve been following this website for any period of time you’ll already know that, but seriously, I’m a dum-dum. Over an entire month since I announced this release (among other things) and still I waited, impatiently. “Aagh, when will they hurry up and start selling this EP somewhere other than their live shows? It’s not even on their website!”. Then reader and Friday Fun regular Chris dropped a bombshell on me:

“Why don’t you just get it on Ototoy you cretin?”

Ototoy. Of course.

Surprise surprise, there it was. Right there. The “September 10th” release date almost taunting me.

Well, whatever, this isn’t the first sleepy review I’ve written long after the actual release date. Actually, I don’t think any of my reviews so far have been on time. Kind of a downside of being sleepy, you see. Tiredness slows you down. And, on two days without sleep, I think now’s a better time than any to get this month-old draft out of the way.

1. 明日やろうはバカ野郎

Waaait a sec. Isn’t this a Juice=Juice song?

Never mind, this sounds nothing like that one. The trumpets remind me of crappy weekday morning TV like GMTV or Jeremy Kyle. I don’t know why.

It’s a good morning song is what I mean. I imagine cheesy orange sun graphics on a TV intro as I brush my teeth and eat soggy Cheerios before school. It’s a happy song. That’s what drew me to The Banana Monkeys in the first place. Their songs are always so happy and peppy like they’re cheerfully pushing me out the door even though they know that I hate school. At least it’s not like the Juice=Juice “Ashita Yarou Wa Bakayarou” that just makes me feel like a failure.

God. Imagine The Banana Monkeys on the Jeremy Kyle show.

2. 賽は投げられた

This is such a fast song. Is it slightly faster than the album version? I’m sure it is. It almost reminds me of those cliche hillbilly chase songs even though its not anywhere close to bluegrass or whatever. I think they just trashed the Jeremy Kyle set after Tenka failed the lie detector test and now are running for their lives as Jeremy runs on all-fours toward them like a gorilla on speed. Ironic, considering it’s the idols who are supposed to be the monkeys. Come to think of it, that box thing from the Hamigaki MV sort of looks like a condensed version of the Jeremy Kyle set.

Actually, never mind.

3. 歯磨き

SPEAKING OF HAMIGAKI. Honestly, I’m trying to separate the song from the music video at this point because I’ve watched the music video so many times. So anyway, on with my Banamon/Jeremy Kyle fanfiction.

Good news, the Jeremy Kyle lie detector test can finally inform us which of the Banana Monkeys stunts were real or staged. Or, it would, if the ITV studios hadn’t been wrecked and Banamon weren’t fleeing through the Coronation Street set right now.

4. 大恋愛

I didn’t realise Coronation Street was an early-2000s teen high school comedy now. I feel like I’m about to see the Olsen twins turn up. But not modern-day fashion designer Olsen twins or the cute-but-annoying Full House Olsen twins. But adolescent Olsen twins who look dead inside and all their movies are about boys and fashion and how the hell did I like this crap when I was 10!?

I’m expecting Mozoku is about to shout “CUTE BOYYYYZZZ AT THE MALL” any second.

5. My hair is 人生

“My Hair is Life”. This sounds like a campfire song. A far cry from the chaos of escaping Jeremy Kyle and the cliche trite of the Olsen twins movie. But they’re still there. Jeremy. Mary-Kate. Ashley. Whoever is still a Coronation Street cast member in 2018. Sat at the campfire, singing along. It’s almost heartwarming, but then you see that the campfire is made up of their hair, like the song title. Everyone is bald now. Maybe if Tenka didn’t lie on her lie detector test she’d still have a full head of hair now.

6. 1776

“We’re getting our hair back!” Tenka yells triumphantly!

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

Alas, their hair is ashes now. The sudden upbeat music meant nothing. I… I don’t know what to write now. I feel like I shouldn’t have written a review of an album where half the songs are updated versions of ones I already listened to a million times.

What’s this!? Their heads! They’re sprouting ponytails! It’s a miracle! I see a rainbow! What a happy occasion! No more do they need to try to fish their hair out in the still-burning flames of the campfire! Everyone cheers! Even Jeremy, who passes along a big pile of legal documents as he prepares to sue these rambunctious idols for trashing his set.

7. ラストシンデレラ

The beginning of this song brings back memories of late 00s-early 10s of being driven to and from college. Actually, the whole song is like this. I’ve been thrown back to 2009. Taio Cruz is going to jump in and ruin the song just like he ruined McFly’s Shine a Light. I guess you could say, its a sequel to that early-2000s Olsen twins movie. Except the Olsens want nothing to do with their movie production company any more. It’s okay. We don’t need famous twins in this famous twin movie. We have four totally unrelated girls! Banana Monkeys, get ready for your big break in terrible direct-to-video comedy movies!

Overall, worth the wait. This isn’t a real review. Nothing is real any more.

Tenka isn’t blond any more and I’m sad about that.