Every idol unit across Japan announced mass graduations today after a scathing yet revelatory indictment was leveled against the entire industry via commentary on a Western website. “We had no idea our entertainment culture was so flawed and toxic”, said an industry spokesperson.

The tens-of-thousands of newly unemployed idols were equally grateful for the insight offered by the English-language appraisal of their billion-dollar industry. The center of one major-label unit expressed her thanks saying, “We were under the mistaken impression that our millions of fans appreciated us for our talent, hard work and the joy we brought to their lives. Apparently, they were only coming to our shows to build something called a ‘spank bank’. We are universally disappointed.”

Idol fans were equally appreciative of the sudden revelation. “This is the first time anyone has ever articulated how unfair the standards and practices of the entertainment industry are. We are glad someone finally pointed out all the evidence of toxicity in the environment. All this time, we’ve just been uncritically consuming whatever media and merchandise was put in front of us without comment or complaint.”

“By the way”, one despondent idol otaku asked, “can you tell us what media is acceptable to consume now? Between all of us, we don’t have two brain cells to rub together.”

One newly enlightened and reformed Japanese record executive added, “We thank the Western gentlemen for his wisdom. We will now rebuild our industry using an American model, free of all exploitation, discrimination, greed and scandal.”