I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but the patron saint of idols, the living legend named Oomori Seiko, just released a new album, Kusokawa Party, and it’s everything that I wish a lot of other things in this world could be. That’s usually about all I’d say about it and kick it into the Weekender, but we’re Seiko fans around these parts, and her influence and support for idol at times near and far demands respect all by itself. So! When Seiko does good and loud things, they get held up as an example of what the really good shit can be.
That’s like vintage Quintet BiS being reinterpreted by syva and GESSHI after a long night of No-Doz and absinthe.
Previously on PuuTube Things only get more and more sexually-charged with panties and other idol YouTubers. Nozomi is trapped in an eternal Groundhog Day loop. Also, she farts a lot. Concerned about her taste in “younger women,” the other dungeon captives stage an intervention for Saki, only for her to lose her cool and attack Megumi!
Episode 47: Puu-blic Service Announcement
“This is an important announcement from the Pouverlord. We have filed a warrant for Kamiya Saki’s arrest for cradle-robbing, gang activity, assaulting other captives, and mullet crimes. We could just lock her in the YouTube Dungeon permanently; however, we have been receiving threatening letters from Watanabe Junnosuke regarding something about “contractual obligations” and “If you keep bothering me, I’ll send your fat ass back to RIZAP!” so we have had to progress with our last resort. If you see this woman, please call the idol police immediately. Also, please like, comment and subscribe.”
Episode 48: Jail House Puus
“Did you not hear my announcement!? I said arrest Saki, not all of us!”
“Thanks a lot, Pour Lui!” fumed Nozomi. “Thanks to your campaign the police found out about all of our previous crimes! I knew you should have just gone back to the gym!”
“I’m going to make my mullet even uglier, that’ll teach you!” Saki used her one permitted phone call to contact her hairstylist.
“Previous crimes? I got arrested because I was holding all of you in my dungeon for two months! The hell did you do while my back was turned?” Pour Lui inquired.
“One of the people from the panty survey reported me for sexual harassment,” said Uika.
“Jesus Christ” Pour Lui whispered under her breath.
Episode 49: Plastic 6 mercy
While brainstorming ways on how to break out of their prison cell, Megumi comes up with the genius idea of testing each member’s head against a wall of Saran Wrap. Whoever can break through this tough barrier clearly has the strongest head and shall be used as a battering ram to break down the doors of their confined space! Judging by Kosho’s hysterical laughter, though, this is all just one big troll. “I can’t believe these idiots are actually falling for this!” Megumi thinks to herself as she slams against the wall to make her “plan” seem more authentic.
Episode 50: Lost Episode
“Hi, this is Pour Lui, with my inmates-slash-BILLIE IDLE co-stars Uipon and Non-chan. As you can see, we’re still in jail. Turns out Kamiya Saki does not make for an effective battering ram. Neither does Koshouji Megumi. Nope, nope, her hilarious little tricks aren’t so funny when she’s on the giving end of an attempted wall breach, is it, Megumi?”
“Megumi can’t talk right now, she’s a little busy with her concussion”
“Tenko, just shut up and hold the camera! Anyway, the footage we recorded for this episode was deemed too graphic for YouTube so instead, we’ll just explain the full story. Maybe we’ll put the video on Liveleak later, I dunno. To the family and fans of Kamiya Saki, we are sorry for your loss. Her sacrifice was most definitely in vain”
Idol Jail outdoor free time; Kamiya Saki chose not to go outside in favour of “sleeping off” her injuries following he previous night’s breakout attempt. The BILLIE IDLE girls are lifting weights. Tentenko is knitting socks to sell on her online store. Koshouji Megumi excitedly rushes over:
“Waaiit a second! We’ve just ran around in a circle and back to our jail cell!” Megumi realised.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. I own idol jail.” Pour Lui added.
“How the hell do you own a jail and forgot about it?” Asked Tentenko
“Well,” said Pour Lui “I bought it when BiS reformed so we could do some IDOL Is DEAD nostalgia stuff but then Watanabe took over, wouldn’t let me use it how I wanted, and now that’s just where he keeps all the WAggs and audition rejects.”
“So that’s why that Mimiland kid tried to shank me for a cigarette earlier!” said Nozomi. “Anyway, let’s go”
“No can do,” Uika called from the back as she struggled to open the door. “Watanabitch locked us in here real good!”
“Now what?” Megumi slumped in her chair.
“We’re just going to have to give in to his sadist tendencies and maybe he’ll let us go” Pour Lui sighed. “Do we have any kind of medieval torture device?”
“Oh! I have something that might work!” Tentenko turned out her pockets.
Did their plan to win over Watanabe work? What happened to Saki? Will someone please give Megumi a hug?
Find out next time on IDOL is DEAD 3: JAiL HOUSE ROCK
PuuTube Rival Of The Week
Desu.Rabbits eat ramen. Idol budgets aren’t very high, okay?
A few years ago, if you’d told me that I’d ever be in a position to neither understand nor have strong feelings about a thing that BiS was doing, I’d raise an eyebrow poorly because that’s not a skill that I possess, and then I’d laugh at the notion because BiS died in 2014, friend, and you’d remind me that actually Pour Lui raised a new version in 2016 and I’d be like, oh right, and now she’s in BILLIE IDLE and the thing she made has become some weird 48g product with warring teams or something, I almost forgot about that!
Anyway, BiS League is that warring teams thing, and whichever members get the most love from fans will be in BiS 1st, and the rest cast into the detritus pile that will be BiS 2nd. Like I said, I don’t totally get it, but that’s fine; the same statement could be made about half of the things in idol. If you’re interested in participating in the straw poll, you can here now:
Pour Lui joins BILLIE IDLE … or did BILLIE IDLE join Pour Lui?
Episode 34: Makeover Montage
A new era of BILLIE IDLE is upon us, and that means new costumes! But, being separated from WACK (while still having to put up with them) means that BILLIE IDLE has roughly the budget of a preteen garage band owned by Dingo Pictures. BILLIE IDLE have been stuck in green screen/cheap animation hell for three years! But thanks to the Japanese equivalent of B&M Bargains (probably), and the token “aesthetic” captives of the dungeon, Tenten and Kosho, maybe they can create something dynamic and beautiful for a new era. The Momose sisters will love their new costumes!
Episode 35: House Of Cards
The Momose sisters didn’t love their new costumes. Not even seconds after their reveal, Momo and Akira gagged, swore, set the costumes on fire and locked everyone but Megumi (Momo had already agreed to dye her hair) in the dungeon until it was time for dance practice! “Puu, for fuck’s sake, why did you give them a spare key?” Tentenko growled through the palm that was planted against her face. “Well, now that we’re all united as one group, I thought it would only be fair that I gave everyone else in BILLIE IDLE a spare key to my dungeon as a symbol of trust and unity,” Pour Lui explained. “Then where the hell is my key!?” Non piped up. “I didn’t get one either!” Uika fumed.
“Um… um… card games!” Pour Lui stuttered, as she shifted through the card pile.
Episode 36: Battle Idol Society
Nozomi checked her watch. “Still three hours until dance practice” she sighed.
“All the more time to play another card game!” the Pourverlord chucked.
“Puu, please, I’m sick to death of these bloody card games! We’ve been playing nothing but card games for seven hours!” Uika groaned, exasperated.
“Oh!” Tenko jumped, scrambling to pick up the leftovers from the ill-fated costume design foray. “I know! I know! Who’s up for some arts and crafts?”
“Yaaay” the others unenthusiastically droned in unison.
Then Netflix saw this and decided to revive Robot Wars for another season.
Episode 37: Makeover Montage Part 2
Oh, finally, a makeup tutorial, I was wondering how long until PuuTube jumped into that genre.
Episode 38: Makeover Montage Part 3
Did you know Saki likes to cosplay? You do now.
Episode 39: Makeover Montage Part 4: The Paddening
Oh man, I dang near forgot about BiS! The original Maidens* of Mayhem have gone through a lot of changes over the past few months, not the least of which being this dual lineup business and the (I am so tired) BiS LEAGUE.** There have been plenty of questions about how that was going to work. Same songs? Same MVs? Apparently!
Previously On Pour Lui’s YouTube Dungeon With the help of her mum, Pour Lui successfully re-kidnaps her former prisoners, tries to poison Megumi, and the shocking revelation that she is actually a witch!
In this heartwarming Mother’s Day special, Pour Lui buys Mama Lui a vibrator, makes her brother watch and is consequently grounded until June 6.
Episode 25: Filler Episode
With Megumi having fled to the UK and Saki now on the rebound with Haruna Bacchiin, Pour Lui gathers the remaining prisoners to reminisce about that time she made a supervillain costume and fans meme’d her.
Episode 26: Happy Nonday
Pour Lui did not give Nozomi a massager for her birthday, despite what that unsubtle crotch shot at the beginning might have led you to believe. At least Puu doesn’t just have a box full of sex toys lying around in case she needs to give someone a present. At least there’s that.
Episode 27: Drone Warfare
What’s that noise?
Could it be? The demons have finally come to take the Pouverlord away!!!
Or it could just be a drone, but I like my idea better.
Will Pour Lui ever learn how to use a drone correctly? Or will she be dragged into hell first?
Will Michel receive a vibrator from Lui as a wedding gift?
To be continued? Yes!
Puu’s Youtube Rival Of The Week
Since a lot of idols are setting up their own YouTube dungeons, I thought I’d have a little feature highlighting what YouTube idols have been uploading recently. And in celebration of Pour Lui’s addition to Billie Idle, this week we’ve got former Billie Idle sweetheart Yasui Yuuhi (Now going by the identity Mahiruno Yuzuko) showing us how she does her makeup. Subscribe to her, she deserves it!
LUI is IDLE would be an amazing title for ths post, but it’s the opposite!
It turns out that the only thing that Pour Lui can’t do well is retire. Yes, friends, despite having tied up her BiS career twice now, and despite being old enough to be mother to most of RIOT BABY, Lui, idol GOAT and progenitor of most things loud and bloody and rude, is coming back … with BILLIE IDLE:
So do forgive me for beating the Babymetal drum, but the fact remains that every Su-metal exhalation is cause for recognition among Western wota of pretty much any stripes, and all that to-do from the other day has culminated in a ton of fallout, not to mention thinking and angsting and so on. I thought, rather than try to keep up with it all in real time, why not use the patented format of the Weekender to sum up the rest of Babymetal’s week?
And Here We Are
The first thing that must be acknowledged is that Koba all but doubled down on the doubters yesterday: