The 2017 Homicidols Corenament: Aftermath

The crowd roared in the PARMS Theater as the lights went down and none other than Tsunku himself stepped to the mic.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Akihabara and the fabulous PARMS Theater. Tonight, the grueling marathon of idol will draw to its conclusion, and only one will emerge victorious. I give you the 2017 Homicidols Corenament finalists!”

Jogging in from the wings came Babymetal from stage left, Guso Drop from stage right. The two titans of girls singing really loudly circled around each other, warming up, before forming up at each side of the stage for one last conference with their managers, Kobametal in his Babybones costume and Daichi in his very large normal frame.

Tsunku raised a hand, and the roar inside of PARMS fell to a murmur, a susurrus of anticipation.

“Allow me to introduce to you our special guest match announcer, the one and only Jim ‘JR’ Ross!”

The combat sports legend shuffle-jogged to the front of the stage, waving his cowboy hat to the adoring fans.

“And tonight’s special guest referee, Watanabe Junnosuke!”

The WACK head skipped to the center of the stage in his striped jersey, a goofy smile spreading across his face. When he waved to the crowd, nobody waved back.

Kobametal pulled his charges in close. “I don’t know if I trust the referee,” he said.

Su-Metal nodded. Yuimetal and Moametal nodded. “Ganbarimasu,” they said in perfect unison.

On the other side of the stage, Daichi’s attention was much more drawn to the opposition than to the referee. “Defeat does not exist in this theater, does it?”

Only Anna piped up: “No, sensei!” The rest of Guso Drop was busy mugging for the crowd; except Rei, who was wrapping the barbed wire more tightly around her baseball bat, and Waka, who was demonstrably applying a fresh prison tattoo to her knuckles: キツネキラー.

Watanabe gestured for Rei and Su-Metal to join him at the center of the stage. “This is for the title, and I expect emotions to run high. But I want a good, clean fight — no fire, no weapons, no gods, no nothing. Got it?”

The two group leaders stared each other down.

Rei smirked her response. “Got it.”

Su-Metal lifted her chin with every ounce of dignity. “We don’t need any–” and she paused, because out of the corner of her eye she swore that she saw a sly, venomous look spread across Watanabe’s face. “We don’t need any help,” she stammered.

A bell rang, and Watanabe backed away to let the competitors square off. Guso Drop immediately used their numerical advantage to issue a ringing series of beatdowns to the fox-worshiping superstars, only for Su-Metal to hulk up and briefly clear the ring for a breather.

The crowd was oddly silent. Though Guso Drop had taken a quick and decisive lead, and clearly maintained it by using the damn numbers game to their advantage, the Babymetal trio held on and slowly, but surely, made up ground.

Finally a break as Moametal and Yuimetal took advantage of a moment of confusion by Guso Drop’s new members — Rin and Miyako running directly into each other, sending teeth flying — to deliver a Demolition Decapitation to Yura. And the crowd loved it!

With the fans suddenly engaged, Babymetal noticeably began to make up some of Guso Drop’s lead. The kitsune trio shucked and jived and bobbed and weaved, working in perfect harmony to thwart every attempt to regroup by the Heaviest Idols in the World until … they took the lead!

“MAH GOD!” cried out JR, “IT’S A SLOBBERKNOCKER!”

Watanabe took advantage of the energy and urged the crowd on! A roar filled the theater!

Soon it was Su-Metal and Rei alone at center stage, trading wallops and screaming invective! 2& herself, the ex-Drop member Saki, attempted a run-in and was instead run off by Yuimetal, while Moametal threw herself at the very handily-lined-up Guso Drop members!

And as the clock struck midnight, the thousands in attendance witnessed the impossible — Su-Metal hoisted Rei and brought her down to the stage with a thunderous slam!

“MAH GOD!” cried out JR, apparently only here to do one thing, “SHE BROKE HER IN HALF!”

Not quite, but Rei was knocked silly, and Su-Metal delivered the pin. Watanabe hit the deck — 1-2-3!

Daichi pounded the stage in frustration and guided his charges off, helping Rei along. Saki shouted insults from the wings, but it didn’t matter anymore.

Tsunku returned to the stage. “Ladies and gentlemen, your 2017 Homicidols Corenament winners, BABYMETAL!”

The final bracket showed on the big screen:

And the Babymetal members, joined by Kobametal, basked in the glow of admiration from the fans in attendance. Tsunku presented the title belt to Kobametal, who held it high in triumph!

Watanabe raised their hands one by one, Yuimetal then Moametal then Su-Metal and, finally, Kobametal, the two managers taking a moment together to playfully grapple and show their mutual admiration. They faced the crowd together, arms raised …

And OUT WENT THE LIGHTS.

The silence was pierced when a familiar song blasted from the PA system — “Hoshi ga Matataku Yoru ni”

“MAH GOD, THAT’S BISH’S MUSIC!”

And strutting from the back came BiSH themselves!

Kobametal turned to Watanabe, his expression clear even through the Babybones mask — shock and confusion.

The WACK manager smirked like the little toad that he is, and BOOM shot a boot straight to Kobametal’s gut. The brain behind Babymetal doubled over, only to receive a STONE COLD STUNNER.

Watanabe stood over his fallen foe and picked up the Corenament title, eyes locked on Babymetal, and gestured to Tsunku for the mic as his own six idols formed around him.

“You all think you’re champions? You think you deserved to win this?”

Nobody could hear Su-Metal’s defiant shouts, so loud were the boos from the crowd.

Watanabe wasn’t having it. “Everybody knows that Babymetal wins all of the contests online because Babymetal fans will lie and cheat if that’s what it takes to soothe their damaged little egos every time somebody suggests that they might not be the best.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!

“You think you’re winners? Su-Metal, you think you’re the Queen?”

And thousands of people realized what was happening.

Watanabe turned to them in recognition. “That’s right.” And he handed the Corenament title to Aina the End!

The crowd was shocked to silence, but not Babymetal! Yuimetal charged at liNGliNG and Atsuko, Moametal at Momoko and Ayuni D … and Su-Metal right at the Captain herself as Aina scrambled down to the floor with the championship belt, with Watanabe using his body as a shield!

BiSH was scattered, and Babymetal still held the stage (even poor Kobametal as he picked himself up off of the deck) …

But Watanabe held the mic, and Aina was happy to take it.

“Your belt is meaningless, Baby Brats. Your title is nothing. You want to prove you’re the champs? You want to prove that you deserve this? Come and get it.”

Tsuku ran a mic out to Su-Metal, who locked eyes with her nemesis.

“You can’t face us in a fair fight if you don’t even qualify for the fight. Maybe try winning a few matches first.”

Chitti had enough and screamed in reply, but Watanabe held her back. Aina held it together much better. She dropped the belt on the floor, spat on it, stomped on it.

“Then let’s do this one-on-one, Suzuka. Your little sidekicks against two of these goddesses, and you and me, toe to toe, voice to voice, until only one’s left.”

Su-Metal was feeling it. “Sure. Let’s go.”

Watanabe took back the mic and locked in on his counterpart. “What do you say, Koba? Do we decide who’s Queen of the Scene here, or do we take care of business in a dark alley somewhere?”

Kobametal, bell still rung and ribs throbbing, looked to his idols and saw the determination in their eyes.

“Queen of the Scene?”

Thousands of voices inhaled as one!

“You got it.”

And “THE ONE” hit to celebrate Babymetal’s triumph, and Watanabe guided BiSH away while the fans cheered the winners … but Aina was the last to leave, walking backwards toward the door, her eyes and Su-Metal’s locked together in hatred.

… Stay tuned for QUEEN OF THE SCENE this summer!

Just how angry are you right now that BiSH totally showed up and declared Aina as the Queen of the Scene? Angry enough to pledge a dollar or so to support the ongoing work of Homicidols.com? What about the sure-to-be zany contest that’s coming up soon? Giving a little is giving a lot!

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22 thoughts on “The 2017 Homicidols Corenament: Aftermath

  1. The battle of the bots, lol. Good job junior programmers, your hard work has done it.

    By the way, I can really hear the JR coming through. When I read his lines I was getting that southern drawl ringing in my ears.

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  2. Let this be a lesson to anyone who cheats on an internet poll to get Japanese ladies to notice them. Not only will Japanese ladies not notice you, but you’ll be punished by having to read Maniac’s fan fiction!

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    Users who have LIKED this comment:

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      • Hacking into your webserver now to find them… so far I only found the one about how Kamiya Saki punched Superstar Butch in the stomach so hard that he got mpreg. Btw enjoy having these keywords on your website 😛

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    • B***M**** may have sheer numbers (robotic or not), but we’ve got heart. Make the next corenament an essay competition and watch Lingling do a clean sweep!

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  3. I really thought someone was gonna get hit with an RKO Outta Nowhere!!! And I also really missed the classic JR call; STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER!

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  4. I just wanted to step in for a minute and let it be known that it is “By God”, not “My God”. You filthy casual marks. Get rekt.

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  5. I felt like Saki on the sidelines unable to do anything. I’m excited for Queen of the Scene!

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